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The Tesla Model S is a sedan that can kill supercars and topple many hypercars. But, there is more to a great car than a phenomenal turn of speed.
The Tesla Model S has been painted by the motoring press as a God slayer. A humble EV sedan that can kill supercars and topple many hypercars. And it's true. The Tesla Model S can deliver a knockout punch from standing that most high-performance cars fail to recover from.
A Tesla Model S makes acceleration look easy. It simply dumps its power and goes. In doing so, the Tesla Model S embarrassed the likes of Ferrari, Lamborghini, and Bugatti. As this is a family-friendly sedan that kicks sand in the faces of their fastest offerings.
But just because it can, doesn't mean we want one. There is more to a great car than a rollicking turn of speed. So yes, the Tesla Model S is fast, but here are 10 reasons why we'd never buy one.
There is more to a fast car than speed. Granted being fast is the main attraction, but it's not the main ingredient. Burying the throttle in a Tesla Model S will propel a driver deep into the seat cushion. It will pile on speed effortlessly. Yet it all feels detached and unemotional.
There is no explosive roar of an engine. Gone are the screaming calls as the revs climb. No transmission shake as the mechanical components hooks up. A complete absence of any exhaust note. No thrill as a liquid-fed engine is punished through every available gear.
There is nothing here for real gearheads. Those who have been brought up with traditional engined vehicles will lose interest quickly. Gone are the days of showing off the engine bay. Sure, the Tesla Model S has power in abundance. But electricity won't impress your mates.
A Tesla Model S in its basic form will hit 60mph in 3.1 seconds. That's fast enough to destroy most supercars with relative ease. But beyond its incredible pace and lashings of onboard technology, there is little else to get excited about. Its styling is drab and featureless.
Inside the Tesla Model S, it's all rather empty. Clean lines, and a clutter-free approach. Like an upscale boutique hotel room. Wonderfully presented and finished to a high standard. For a lot of people, it's a much-needed motoring evolution. To most, it comes across as boring.
Driving the Tesla Model S reveals a few chinks in its armor. It has an incredible turn of speed. Handling is also very good. If not particularly involving. And that is the problem. It excels at speed. But doesn't draw you in. It feels like a very well-built tool and not, a much-loved toy.
Getting into the most basic version of a Tesla Model S costs $94,990. Adding extras quickly sees that price jump over the $100,000 mark. Which is a lot of cash. Whereas for around $78,000 you can get the glorious Alfa Romeo Giulia Quadrofoglio and a lot of noise.
The ultimate Tesla Model S Plaid weighs in at $129,000. Yes, you get 1000hp and a sub-two second 0-60mph run. But it lacks soul. For $88,140 a gearhead could buy a more interesting Dodge Charger SRT Hellcat Redeye Widebody. And make friends wherever they go.
Weekends spent tweaking, tuning, and modifying are soon to be relegated to history. Shopping for cold-air induction intakes, a better exhaust, and chasing modest horsepower gains are not on a Tesla owner's calendar. No more oily fingers. No more having a go yourself.
Rocking up to the local coffee and cars meet will not draw a crowd. As other gearheads admire muscle car engines, popping the Tesla S 'frunk' will just give admirers a good look at the charging leads. Running Netflix on the in-car screen is not as impressive as a rebuilt Hemi.
It may all be very impressive inside a Tesla, but it's too much. The Tesla Model S takes tech levels to heights that are unfounded. It has more in common with a modern smartphone than a traditional car. Even down to over-the-air updates and supercharged battery chargers.
Even the Tesla Model S key isn't a key. It's a Tesla miniature. Shaped like a tiny Tesla S. It has no buttons, but has a plethora of functions. Physical buttons in the cockpit are also history. Swipe, tap, and press. As the touchscreen units take care of everything a driver wants.
A Tesla Model S is very fast. The standard version puts in a performance that will kick most supercars into the weeds. Step up to the awesome Plaid, and you get the fastest production car on the planet to hit 60mph. What you get don't get is the joy of motoring.
The newest generation of car fanatics will never know the difference. They will be spoon-fed EVs from a young age. They will never know the joys of mastering a stick shift. What it's like to match the revs. Or eke out every last ounce of power from a fossil fuel engine.
It's often said that you can't reinvent the wheel. Well, Tesla appears to have done so with the Model S. Gone is the steering wheel, and in its place is the yoke. A revolutionary idea for a revolutionary car. Essentially all Tesla did was steal the idea from the Knightrider TV show.
Everything about the Tesla Model S is effortless. It is a car that will demolish super, and hypercars. It comes loaded with more technology than the average household. There are groundbreaking features aplenty. And as such, it feels more like a swanky appliance than a car.
Getting somewhere fast is a Tesla Model S specialty. Off the mark and on the move they have incredible acceleration. But use all the power all the time, and it impacts on the battery charge. Driven sensibly, on average a Tesla Model S will return up to 400 miles of range.
Once all of that electricity has been spent the Tesla Model S can guide a driver to a charge point. Here a supercharger can zap in 200 miles within 15 minutes. A full charge takes roughly 30 minutes. It takes less than 5 minutes to brim a tank with gasoline or diesel.
Thanks to all the on-board tech the Tesla Model S can drive itself. The Autopilot function turns the Tesla into a drone. Cars aren't meant to be autonomous. They're meant to be driven, by drivers. Learning how a car feels, how it handles and responds is part of the experience.
From launch control to automated braking. Having no gears to swap. Enormous power on tap, instantly. It all sounds great, but detracts from the joy and thrill of driving. The Tesla Model S is a computer game made real. And it will make drivers unlearn some driving skills.
Having cut his teeth on the UK street racing scene in the late 90’s and early 00’s RJ faded from the limelight only to return 20 years later. An avid motoring enthusiast RJ especially enjoys JDM and Italian cars, and is an experienced multi-industry writer.
